Wednesday, 15 February 2012

15th February 2012

It's the day after Valentine's Day 2012. (Love you Dave) I guess I'm not keeping up with this blog as well as I promised myself I would but the I have been soooo busy! YES - I'M STILL HERE!
They are now saying to me that my cancer is very slow growing - I wonder when they will realise that it's not growing at all! I'm still not taking any cancer drugs and just working on getting off my half sleeping tablet and one paracetemol which I take at night purely to get me off to sleep with hot flushes. I think the hot flushes may be part of what is keeping me going actually as they signify my own lack of the hormone that feeds breast cancer so actually they are of great benefit. I'm sure they will lessen if I get off the zopiclone completely though. Good old Paul McKenna is just indispensable with his 'I can make you sleep' every night.
Hey - it's spring, the sun's out, going for a walk in a minute. Can't wait to start planting stuff in my little garden which Dave has totally re landscaped for me and soon I'll be able to get out my new swing seat and sit in the sun (if I'm not too busy!) Looking back I was actually so unsure at times that I would get this far - Ann died at sixty and I will be sixty in June but one thing that has helped me mentally is 'The Secret' given to me by my psycotherapist, Rachel. It's perhaps not for everyone but look it up - it might be for you. I found that it really confirmed everything I actually believe about the universe and everything - the proof of that is in my past work. I listen to a transcript of 'The Power' daily to keep reminding myself. It helps me to raise my feelings too, especially if gloom seems to descend. Tell you what - when I first started I did as reccommended just with money and before I could turn around, circumstances brought me more cash than I have ever laid my hands on in one go! Strange but true. I've been able to help Lucy out loads and it gives me joy and she has built me a new computer - wow! It all spurs me on to do loads more. I've booked my first teaching gig abroad since before I got ill - Murano - Hooray! It's in September - can't wait!
This time last year we were in New Zealand - what a totally fabulous place - guess what - I actually climbed half way up Mount Taranaki! - 6 hours up (took my time), 2 hours down - an 8 hour walk by no means on the flat. I found myself up above where any plants could grow, way above the clouds. The curvature of the earth was dizzying - an incredible experience. I don't think I am quite that fit now - just been lazy though. Zumba tomorrow!

Thursday, 15 July 2010

2010 - loving it

Haven't posted for such a long time....

Life is getting better after all sorts of ups and downs but I'm beginning to see what's important i.e. the ups.
After saying I wouldn't I started taking the medication again after Ann died. I ended up with so many side effects that it affected everything in my life including my relationship with Dave all for the worse. Close friends know why in April this year I decided that this wasn't the life I had decided to live so I stopped taking Tamoxifen and all the other drugs needed to ameliorate the myriad side effects and the further side effects of those extra drugs etc. etc. Since then I found renewed energy - have been exercising, walking, swimming (lost a stone and a half - was well over weight - one of the side effects) and having loads more fun in all sorts of ways. I feel like I'm getting me back - maybe it's for a shorter time but just so worth it. Life with Dave has changed and we are enjoying a full relationship again - can't say how joyful and thankful I am for that. I haven't really got back into any sort of productive work yet except for organising a few classes for other people to teach in the studio but maybe that will come. I've come to terms with no end of things through this journey and I am so grateful for it.

Don't know how long I've got - no one can help me on that front - but it's NOW and WHO I'm with that matters every moment. I'm hearing the birds sing and watching things grow and hopefully helping who I can and loving it.

I would like to thank my Acupuncture Therapist Emma Sammels and my Psychotherapist Rachel Squires for all their ongoing help and support - they have been really brilliant! Thanks too for all the great support from all my friends and family - I'm so lucky!!

Friday, 6 March 2009

Ann is dying. Pray for her.

Friday, 30 January 2009

wow - 2 months since I posted

wow - 2 months since I posted - where did the time go?

I'm sitting here thinking about my brave sister who is having an operation on her spine tomorrow. The seventh vertebra has collapsed with cancer and they will have to pin from the fifth to the ninth and then try to remove the material that is pressing on her spinal cord.

She is my inspiration and so far has completely confounded all the experts - with the most aggressive type of cancer in her womb, lungs and bones she was told she may have up to six months to live. That was two years ago. Since then she has redecorated the house, been diving around the world and started a new business which entailed driving around the country - this is all the more astounding as at Christmas 2006 the cancer ate right through her thigh bone which just snapped in two. She healed it up after it was pinned, regrowing all that bone!

I have absolutely no doubt that she will come through this next trauma in spite of the anesthetist's reservations due to the tumors in her lungs. Her husband developed a brain tumor this November which has been removed and he was told he might have up to a year with treatment. Thanks to Ann we are not listening. She is bringing us all through. She is amazing!!!

I have talked to my doctor and got my B12 every two months - result!

About the 'what to say' thing - I'm still working on that. My accountant asked me on Wednesday as people often do, if I am in remission. I guess it's much too early to say anything like that. I will get the results of my latest scan on 11th Feb. That's to see if the cancer has spread to any of my organs which they are convinced it will do. On the other hand I was talking to my friend Katherine who suffered from a brain tumor and was told she had maybe four years - that was twenty years ago! Keep it up Katherine!

This whole situation is making me prioritize - it's definitely all about people and not about things at all. That's what Ann says and I agree with her.

Thank you those people who have commented on this blog - I've only just worked out that I actually get replies! I'll go and have a look at that article Jeri.

Monday, 24 November 2008

Eek!! OK here goes..

Idecided to do a blog about surviving cancer and what it's like - just for me really.
my question:-
How many people out there decide to ignore what the doctors are saying and live? How many actually survive by doing this intead of doing what they are told i.e. dying by a certain date?

I still have symptoms which I have some success over in telling them to just desist and go away.

I am gradually weening myself off medications which I have found necessary to take due to side effects of treatment. I've stopped taking the Tamoxifen last week and have struggled so much with the other stuff I haven't taken it for a while (bone strengthening). I'm not on any pain killers - I'm not in any pain. I'm tired and find it hard to cope with hot flushes especially in the evenings. I have a few twinges here and there - who doesn't. I'm down to half a sleeping tablet per night - taken to get through the night with hot flushes.

Dealing with doctors is difficult. they think that everything is due to the cancer and with a terminal diagnosis it seems they are not really prepared to bother with anything else. I have triumphed on one front. - turns out I am short of B12 vitamin. I've read up on the internet and the disability to absorb it can be hereditory. My mum suffered from all the things lack of B12 can cause - she's dead now so we'll never know for sure. Her sister is still alive and has always talked about what she calls 'Congenital Exhaustipation' and guess what - I told her to get a B12 test and she's come up the same as me. There's a cure - a three monthly injection of B12 straight into the buttock - ouch!! I'm now on my fourth one. It takes over a week to kick in but the fact that I am starting this blog proves I'm on the Up (had this one on Friday 14th) Then it has so far worn off after two months and I've gone down hill again. I have to sort this out.

It's very easy to worry that all these sympoms are cancer. I just repeat and repeat in my head 'I am well. I am well. Iam well......

Then there's all the people who think I'm cured because I look OK and always answer 'I'm fine' if asked. Then demands start being made - hey - steady on - I'm terminal you know..... OOps down the slippery slope again. This is a wierd catch 22. If I ask for allowances to be made I'm affirming the illness. If I affirm wellness I have to fend of demands in all directions some how. It's a stress in itself deciding what to do /what to say. This is something I need to sort out.

I have found that I do believe in a God and that is a big help. My take on God is the whole Universe and everything including me. I'm not separate from God/Universe. I'm not a mistake. This cancer is some sort of opportunity. Maybe just talking about my experience will help other people. This body is a miracle in itself and I believe is quite capable of healing itself if allowed to do so. No diets, no medications just the absolute belief that it is happening. The Universe has enough energy for every possible permutation of me - all I have to do is choose - all the time.

In the mean time - whatever that means - I am so happy. I have never been so content. This is the best time of my life. I love it here. I love now. It took cancer to learn this. Thank you God/Universe.