Monday, 24 November 2008

Eek!! OK here goes..

Idecided to do a blog about surviving cancer and what it's like - just for me really.
my question:-
How many people out there decide to ignore what the doctors are saying and live? How many actually survive by doing this intead of doing what they are told i.e. dying by a certain date?

I still have symptoms which I have some success over in telling them to just desist and go away.

I am gradually weening myself off medications which I have found necessary to take due to side effects of treatment. I've stopped taking the Tamoxifen last week and have struggled so much with the other stuff I haven't taken it for a while (bone strengthening). I'm not on any pain killers - I'm not in any pain. I'm tired and find it hard to cope with hot flushes especially in the evenings. I have a few twinges here and there - who doesn't. I'm down to half a sleeping tablet per night - taken to get through the night with hot flushes.

Dealing with doctors is difficult. they think that everything is due to the cancer and with a terminal diagnosis it seems they are not really prepared to bother with anything else. I have triumphed on one front. - turns out I am short of B12 vitamin. I've read up on the internet and the disability to absorb it can be hereditory. My mum suffered from all the things lack of B12 can cause - she's dead now so we'll never know for sure. Her sister is still alive and has always talked about what she calls 'Congenital Exhaustipation' and guess what - I told her to get a B12 test and she's come up the same as me. There's a cure - a three monthly injection of B12 straight into the buttock - ouch!! I'm now on my fourth one. It takes over a week to kick in but the fact that I am starting this blog proves I'm on the Up (had this one on Friday 14th) Then it has so far worn off after two months and I've gone down hill again. I have to sort this out.

It's very easy to worry that all these sympoms are cancer. I just repeat and repeat in my head 'I am well. I am well. Iam well......

Then there's all the people who think I'm cured because I look OK and always answer 'I'm fine' if asked. Then demands start being made - hey - steady on - I'm terminal you know..... OOps down the slippery slope again. This is a wierd catch 22. If I ask for allowances to be made I'm affirming the illness. If I affirm wellness I have to fend of demands in all directions some how. It's a stress in itself deciding what to do /what to say. This is something I need to sort out.

I have found that I do believe in a God and that is a big help. My take on God is the whole Universe and everything including me. I'm not separate from God/Universe. I'm not a mistake. This cancer is some sort of opportunity. Maybe just talking about my experience will help other people. This body is a miracle in itself and I believe is quite capable of healing itself if allowed to do so. No diets, no medications just the absolute belief that it is happening. The Universe has enough energy for every possible permutation of me - all I have to do is choose - all the time.

In the mean time - whatever that means - I am so happy. I have never been so content. This is the best time of my life. I love it here. I love now. It took cancer to learn this. Thank you God/Universe.